This is a tale of my first kidney stone experience, some descriptions may be a bit painful for anyone with a male sex organ.

I woke up in the morning and was getting ready for work when I got this pain in my side, initially it felt like a gas pain so I did what anyone would do, made a trip to the bathroom. No luck that didn’t help, so I took some pepto bismol and that didn’t work either. The pain just got continually worse, I can take a good deal of pain and this was getting to the point of something not being right.

We called my parents since the Queen had to get the kids off to school and get to work and my parents took me to the hospital. The hospital was about a 25 minute ride, which seems to take forever as I lay in the backseat writhing in pain, hoping it was not my appendix.

When we got to the hospital, thankfully there was no one there and they sat us down at the admitting desk, they said it sounded like a kidney stone and took me back right away. I was wheeled back for an x-ray to confirm the fact I had a kidney stone. It was about 6mm in size, a pretty decent size one. They hooked me up to an IV and ran it wide open with fluids to try and get me to pass the stone on my own. Oh by the way they did give me some good drugs to kill the pain. I went through 3 bags of fluids before they decided that I was not going to pass it on my own and they sent me home with drugs and an appointment to have it removed.

So they I lay in bed for two days, hopped up on vicodin waiting for my appointment, this time is kind of a blur for obvious reasons. The day finally came for me to go to the surgery center for my appointment, I had the first appointment of the day, this is of no real importance to this part of the story just a time reference in case you wanted to know.

Off I went to strip down to my socks and put on that sexy backless, paper thin robe, that shows my nice ass. Sorry got carried away there, must be the vicodin. Up onto the cold table where the doctor explained the process, here is where the painful images for us men come in. First they were going to need to push the stone back back up the tube into the kidney, once its there they will put me in a tub of water and break up the stone using sound waves. Hey how you gunna get that stone back into the kidney? Oh!! I was afraid of that. Glad I am going to be asleep. Once its broken up they will place a stent in the ureter so it don’t swell up due to the trauma of pushing the stone back. Off to dreamland I go.

When I woke up I was a bit sore and I looked under my robe and saw my manhood taped to my leg with a string hanging out. What the F### did they do? Doc said everything went well and handed me a bag of goodies. Let’s see, a large container and a strainer. He says you are going to have to strain your urine for a week or so to make sure they got all of it. Also got a refillable prescription of vicodin and made me an appointment to have the stent removed.

Once home I crawled into bed and lay there watching TV. This was my preferred status for about 3 days, because every time I moved the little ( tampon ) string I had hanging out of me would move and make me run to the bathroom to pee. The only thing that would make this tolerable was to take 2 vicodin every 4 hours.

WARNING: The following is not for the squeamish.

The appointment day has arrived and I am getting the stent removed, how is he going to get this out? This is going to hurt, no? Everyone agreed that he was going to have to give me some sort of topical anesthetic to numb li’l King. I told the Queen that if it hurts I was going to call her every swear word in the book, she assured me it wouldn’t. I am believing her why? Is she a doctor? Nope.

At the doctors office I asked him if he was going to give me anything to numb it. He told me no, its not needed, he does this all the time, it will be alright. This fucker better be right. Then he proceeds to ask me if I wanted to tell him anything. What do you mean? You know if it is starting to hurt or something. Ummm, huh, like what?

The next thing I know he is starting my pecker like a lawnmover, the sound that ensued was like someone slurping a spaghetti noodle. FFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!! Sorry, but damn that hurt. Well its all done. Is that all you have to say. Its all done? Son of a Bitch that burns. Here is another prescription for vicodin. Thank God for that since my other prescription ran out.

RING RING…

Queen: Hello

King: You Mother F### @#$%@#$% #$% @#$% #$%#$% $#%#$ #$% $%^$#^#$%#$% #$%^ #$%

Queen: I am SOOOOOOOOOO sorry honey, did it hurt.

King: Ummm Yeah

I sat at home on vicodin one more day, but continued to pee into a container for a few more days making sure I was still peeing gravel from the stone.

This was the tale of my first kidney stone, the surgery I had on this one was by far the most intrusive, I have had 2 other surgeries that only required I lay on a table and they shot the sound waves into the kidney area, you are just a little sore after that nowhere near as much pain.

The doctor I have now calls me a producer, a stone producer. Seems if you have a kidney stone you have 50% chance of getting one again and if you get that, you are 80% likely to get them again. The last time I went for an x-ray he said I had multiple stones in each kidney, they are mostly small and painless 2 or 3 mm in size, when they come out.